Possible "Rage Virus" on Non-Smoking U.S. Submarines

WASHINGTON-

Just four days after the introduction of a controversial smoking ban on US submarines, Washington has announced the possibility of a, "28-Days-Later-style rage virus Outbreak," aboard every vessel in the United States Submarine fleet.

While Q&A was limited during the midnight press conference on Capitol Hill, Vice Adm. Jon J. Donnelly had this to say about the possibility of a true, "Class-5," outbreak.

"On April 9th the United States Navy issued a new ordinance banning smoking below decks of all United States Submarines. While at first, the ordinance was met with little resistance, by 0900 hours on April 10th, approximately 35% of the US Submarine Force had begun showing stage-1 symptoms of the Rage Virus from Director Danny Boyle's 2002 cult classic, 28 Days Later. "

"When repeatedly denied the privilege of smoking below deck, several soldiers started acting aggressively towards higher ranking officers. By 1500 last night, A mutiny seemed almost imminent."

While the CDC was not available for comment, Director Danny Boyle had this to say,

"I can only assume that the Rage Virus was being suppressed by the nicotine and low levels of arsenic in direct and second-hand cigarette smoke. While filming 18 Weeks later, our team of writers hypothesized that cigarettes may have acted as a sort of vaccine against the virus. I am not surprised at all that this has happened aboard out US Submarine Fleet, and I think that the Navy should be ashamed for making such an obvious and egregious error. The whole point of science-fiction cinema is to inform people about real science"

The error is so obvious in hidsight, that the Royal College of Physicians has revoked it's recent findings recommending a full smoking ban in cars.

Despite a small number of military personnel blaming the outbreak on nicotine withdrawal, the U.S Navy has no plans of lifting the "Class-5" status in the near future. When asked what the Vice Adm. and the Navy planned on doingabout the infected soldiers, Donnelly succinctly replied "boiling oil torture death sub."